so i broke up with nico yesterday. FINALLY.
i had to. i told him that it was because i wouldn't want to fall in love with him. i don't know if that's the truth. fact is i kind of just wanna be single and free. and i want him to be able to fuck any girl at his university he wants to fuck. it sounds harsh but i just don't like relationships and responsibilities. i think i regret even dating him as well. it was the dumbest thing ever to be exact. i lost my brother's trust. well it's done now. anyway, nico now thinks that i'm a psycho. "the girl who doesn't want to feel". i kind of am a psycho but i bet he feels like he could have helped me but he really would not be able to. sorry.

and also i feel like this one big romance you experience once in a lifetime (or not at all) happened to me already. and i just gave it away cause i hate romance. and plans. i'm too spontanious. well if i would have met my ex at university or after, i probably would have made him the happiest guy alive. but as it happened too early i broke his heart about 100 times. i'll break way too many hearts in the next couple of years.
but i'm honest at least. i tell every guy who starts to like me that i'm gonna break his heart, hate relationships, love and guys in general, oh and that i never feel anything in general.

alright. so this is it. i miss my ex. i feel like cutting myself again. it's funny, if anybody (like my parents for example) would ever read this, i just might be dying.

god it's been a long time.

since even thinking of blogger.com

but i'm pissed now. i wanna write when i'm pissed. cause nobody would listen. i could call nico, but i do not feel like that cause he's been bitchy today. so my best friend is sleeping over at my house today and has been on the balcony with my brother for the last 90 minutes. i do have the right to be mad at her.. but i'm not and it's supring me.
this is not the first time. but when i spend an hour at some party with another guy just to talk it's the biggest scandal ever, cause oh yeah i'm stealing aaaaaaaaall the attention and i'm not there for my friends. ya right. fuck yourself.
i'm sick by the way. of school. and of life in general. i'm so emo, i'm embarassed.
i'm gonna work out tomorrow and i don't care if that's bad for me.
and i can drive my vespa now. and i can't stop eating m&m's. i feel like i have to puke later.
should i go to bed now? who knows how long they're gonna stay on the balcony? like isn't she even thinking?

gosh i hate life.
i need alcohol.