Where is my mind?

so i broke up with nico yesterday. FINALLY.
i had to. i told him that it was because i wouldn't want to fall in love with him. i don't know if that's the truth. fact is i kind of just wanna be single and free. and i want him to be able to fuck any girl at his university he wants to fuck. it sounds harsh but i just don't like relationships and responsibilities. i think i regret even dating him as well. it was the dumbest thing ever to be exact. i lost my brother's trust. well it's done now. anyway, nico now thinks that i'm a psycho. "the girl who doesn't want to feel". i kind of am a psycho but i bet he feels like he could have helped me but he really would not be able to. sorry.

and also i feel like this one big romance you experience once in a lifetime (or not at all) happened to me already. and i just gave it away cause i hate romance. and plans. i'm too spontanious. well if i would have met my ex at university or after, i probably would have made him the happiest guy alive. but as it happened too early i broke his heart about 100 times. i'll break way too many hearts in the next couple of years.
but i'm honest at least. i tell every guy who starts to like me that i'm gonna break his heart, hate relationships, love and guys in general, oh and that i never feel anything in general.

alright. so this is it. i miss my ex. i feel like cutting myself again. it's funny, if anybody (like my parents for example) would ever read this, i just might be dying.