Michael Jackson is dead?

I just saw it on TV. Poor guy...

I love my life! I love my life. I love my life? I haven't said that for such a long time, but i love it. Although there are problems and everything, but still... Wow :O. Everything's so good. And I have a serious crush. I think he might have one too. :) Buuuut he's almost 21. Ooops. And my brother's best friends. Double Ooops. But it feels oh so good <33

and here a picture with my favorite person ever:

guys guys guys

i think i like making out so much because it makes me feel good, pretty, desirable, and oh well sexy. i don't know if it's a good thing that i kinda "need" it for my self-confidence. is 22 too old?

i went to my german school today and it was fun in the beginning but i got very depressed somehow, i don't really know why. maybe still because of this other guy. aaaaaaaaah... fuck. can i be 20 please?

i got a headache. i want new clothes. mine don't fit in my closet anymore though. so maybe not?

i bought a new straightener. my american one is better and looks nicer too but oh well. it's all good. right?

and i'm smoking way too much right now. same with drinking. i need to stop.

OH ONE GOOD THING :) :) :) (yes i'm exagerating but it's alright):
some person from my new job called and said i could start on friday. money! and something useful to do. finally, i'm not just sitting at home or drinking or smoking.

goodnight. i had two hours of sleep last night.

freakin alcohol

my brother is very very mad at me and it makes me sad. i'm not good at handling it. and the thing is, he did all the things i'm doing but 10 times worse so what?

There's a couple of wine spots on my parents' carpet which i'm a little concerned of. But I have two months to get rid of them, so hopefully i'll find a way. I also made friends with my neighbour's wife, she even bought us cigarettes :) What a nice person.

Yes, I hate fighting with my brother. :( I feel bad.

"And it wasn't even bad, and it wasn't wrong either" ♥

what a night AGAIN.

so today i woke up next to one of my friends (who was supposed to be at school at that point of time), went downstairs to look what's going on, found my laptop, opened it and there was porn on it. I do not watch porn :D hahaha. (it was gross porn too)

i made a huge mistake yesterday. i wish i could regret it but it felt good. kind of very good. well i was very very drunk too :/

oh there was a bet about me too. i've never had a bet about me. how do you spell bet?

so yeah i was pretty drunk last night. i still am a little drunk but it's getting better. Monday was hard, too but good. I got yelled at. just a little bit. ha good one... and then i got hugged. and yelled at again. and hugged. and then we made out. and i broke up again. wooohooo

there's so much more happening in my german life it's weird. i just well feel a lot more i guess. oh i wanna upload a party picture from my first night for jacob. in case you think i look like i cried, i did. not because i was happy. exboyfriendshitstuff...

i am shaking.

i can't believe this is happening. fuck fuck fuck fuck.
i wanna die.
i think i'm dreaming. i hope i'm dreaming.
i wanna cry til all the liquid in my body is gone so all that is left is my wrinkly dry skin.

under their shell

this is one of the nights that i just wanna spend crying. but i am too tired to cry.
i'm freezing, that's because it's very cold in my room but i somehow like it.

so i am having this thing with this guy. he's getting annoying. that might sound like the bitchiest thing i've ever said, but i just don't ever wanna see him again. he's so boring, pointless, faceless somehow. i don't wanna waste my last week with him. but he's so so so nice. so i am a bitch. an arrogant bitch.
i'm still not over something (well someone) else though. i wrote him a note. he's not gonna react to it at all. and i'm leaving in 5 days anyway. it's all good. i'm just gonna party as much as i can back in germany and pretty sure i'll be able to forget after a couple (or more) shots.

my goodbye thing was nice. people were being cute. nobody was sad though. more happy. not because they hate me, but yeah. nobody was actually supersad. that's good!

i want to sleep now. but i promised my brother to watch weeds with him later. so well maybe netflix has some good movies to offer?! i doubt it.
i need to go back to germany. I NEED TO DRINK. no joke.

people here bitch way too much behind their friend's backs. i wish i'd hear all the stuff that's said behind my back. i'm really really interested in what people think of me.

and i'd walk through hell for you.

puke puke puke

so i just came home from a pretty crazy night. and it was fun and i had fun and it's all good.
i come home and straight to my brother's room cause i wanna tell him about it and BUMM. everything turns around. he's depressed. he hates me because i said we should stay for almost two more weeks of the summer. he hates me. this is when my stomach turns around. i wanna puke. i feel horrible. i don't know, should i feel horrible? i mean, what am i guilty of? i tried to help him so bad. i didn't know he feels this bad. i'm so worried of people i like who are depressed. i'm never scared when i'm depressed cause i know i'm not gonna kill myself. i have the control. i don't have the control about my brother though. i mean, he's not gonna kill himself. and i shouldn't be responsible for him. i'm too young for a responsibility like this. and he's my OLDER brother. i wanna puke. i hate myself because i had fucking fun! hey, why can i not have fun, why does that make me a bad person ? i'm not his mother. i wish he had friends. i wish he'd be happy. but the fact that i know for sure he's gonna ignore me when we're back in germany and he's with his friends is kind hard to take, too. he'd never go out with me. he might not even say hi when he sees me. and i wanna puke my freaking gutts out just because i'm having fun and he doesn't. i don't wanna be hated. i love him i guess.