all the single ladies

i love my live club.
soooo soooo much.
so i went out and i gotta admit it i was planning on making out with some random guy. and i actually found THE perfect victim :)
he's from thailand. i've never kissed an asian before so that was pretty sweet. and he's cute. if i see him again this week we might make out again as well. not quit sure though.


but i noticed something and my best friend shares my opinion: i have crushes on "bad boys" all the time, but i end up with the nice guys tout le temps. to say it in french. not even on purpose. i guess nice guys like me cause they think i'm a "bad girl". which is not the case. i pretend to be one, but to be honest i am very very shy. the only reason i am so open is that i'm a completely different person when i'm not alone. i might have two personalities.
it's weird. and i'm fully aware of it. so let's call the shy one susie. cause she's definitely more me. susie wouldn't flirt with a random hot guy cause she would think that he would hate her cause she's ugly and weird.
and then there's the other one. let's call her mia. mia rakete ;).. mia knows boys. mia knows exactly what boys like her about her. mia would flirt with some random guy. she would never show her "susie - side". ever.

ha i think i'm funny. not really though.

so i broke up with nico yesterday. FINALLY.
i had to. i told him that it was because i wouldn't want to fall in love with him. i don't know if that's the truth. fact is i kind of just wanna be single and free. and i want him to be able to fuck any girl at his university he wants to fuck. it sounds harsh but i just don't like relationships and responsibilities. i think i regret even dating him as well. it was the dumbest thing ever to be exact. i lost my brother's trust. well it's done now. anyway, nico now thinks that i'm a psycho. "the girl who doesn't want to feel". i kind of am a psycho but i bet he feels like he could have helped me but he really would not be able to. sorry.

and also i feel like this one big romance you experience once in a lifetime (or not at all) happened to me already. and i just gave it away cause i hate romance. and plans. i'm too spontanious. well if i would have met my ex at university or after, i probably would have made him the happiest guy alive. but as it happened too early i broke his heart about 100 times. i'll break way too many hearts in the next couple of years.
but i'm honest at least. i tell every guy who starts to like me that i'm gonna break his heart, hate relationships, love and guys in general, oh and that i never feel anything in general.

alright. so this is it. i miss my ex. i feel like cutting myself again. it's funny, if anybody (like my parents for example) would ever read this, i just might be dying.

god it's been a long time.

since even thinking of blogger.com

but i'm pissed now. i wanna write when i'm pissed. cause nobody would listen. i could call nico, but i do not feel like that cause he's been bitchy today. so my best friend is sleeping over at my house today and has been on the balcony with my brother for the last 90 minutes. i do have the right to be mad at her.. but i'm not and it's supring me.
this is not the first time. but when i spend an hour at some party with another guy just to talk it's the biggest scandal ever, cause oh yeah i'm stealing aaaaaaaaall the attention and i'm not there for my friends. ya right. fuck yourself.
i'm sick by the way. of school. and of life in general. i'm so emo, i'm embarassed.
i'm gonna work out tomorrow and i don't care if that's bad for me.
and i can drive my vespa now. and i can't stop eating m&m's. i feel like i have to puke later.
should i go to bed now? who knows how long they're gonna stay on the balcony? like isn't she even thinking?

gosh i hate life.
i need alcohol.

i'm having my first hangover ever

okay hey what do you want me to do, what the fuck?
my boyfriend (yes he is my boyfriend now) is gone for two weeks and he might actually be in the airplane my parents will take too when they come back. what a coincidence. i'm picturing my brother and me picking up my parents and meeting nico and his family there, too. how awkward would that be..?
so today nico called me from the u.s. (which is the most expensive shit ever) when my best friend was over at my house. she only had an hour to hang out with me so she got supermad when i talked to nico for 25 minutes. the thing is, he most likely won't call me very often the next two weeks (probably twice. or once.) and i see my best friend every single day. and i'd even see her longer if her grandma wouldn't be stupid and jealous. and i ditched nico for miriam on the last night before he left. i mean, am i not a good person? i want some appreciation. argh.
i hate camping by the way. it's even worse without a mattress and sleeping bag.
oh nico's grandparents already know about me and my parents haven't even accepted yet that i broke up with my ex. god.
i ran out of cigarettes. the whole idea of quitting didn't work out that well i guess. i need to sleep, otherwise my head will burst. miriam is gonna come to my house later and she'll wake me up but i'm not gonna tell her that i actually slept cause if i did she'd think i'm mad she came. gooooooooooood. annoying. annoying. annoying.
please remind me that i still love her a lot.

i had my first car crush.

my life's so so so much like a stupid soap opera right now. i mostly hate it, but i feel like i'd hate a boring life as well.
so yeah i had my first car crush. it was 4am, i was driving my best friend's car, it was raining and very dark, and we crashed into my neighbour's garage. it looks unbelievable bad now but i'm gonna pay for the higher insurance and hopefully it's gonna be alright. nobody should know that i was driving though cause yeah i don't even have a licence AND i was drunk as hell. my friend and i shared a whole bottle of wodka, which is kind of a lot.
and i did not keep the promise i gave my brother, but i'm just not able to do so. i like this guy too much.
so yeah we stayed at home after that crash and then my brother and his friends came home, too. and they started yelling at my friend and she started crying and holy shit. then they all left the house and made me wait inside, and i called this guy i really like and asked him what i should do and stuff.. so he came over too and he and my brother got to talk about "it". it means us i guess.
yeah, their friendship's probably over. he's moving away in two months anyway. and he's TWENTY. freaking freaking twenty.
i should quit drinking. i quit smoking yesterday :D ...
it's too expensive. and bad for me and my voice. and i'm gonna start running on tuesday.
taylor made me do it. i love taylor!

you never get what you want

so it has to be over now? i guess so. i can't imagine it being over.
my brother forced me to break up with him, although we're not even dating.
well wouldn't it be easy if there weren't any difficulties?

i'm lacking a goal in my life right now. i signed up for german idol. just for fun though, it's a huge joke and my parents don't even know about it yet.

my brother said lots of bad things about me. i cried when i left his room. he said i'm pretending to be somebody i'm not and i tell everybody how good i am, but i really only do what i wanna do without caring about anybody else but me. i don't think that's the truth, i just feel like people underestimate me, so i don't tell them everything i do cause they'd thing i wouldn't be able to handle it. i don't look very mature and i may not seem like i'm very mature, but i'm strong on my own, i really am. but if you don't even try to really get to know me, i won't give you a chance.

you never gave me a chance.

oops

yeah i deleted my last post. why do i even write shit like that? i can't even remember writing it and i wasn't drunk at that point of time.
anyway, i slept over at his house yesterday night. he's a good guy. :D
and we are still not officially dating. i wish my brother would have had a girlfriend before. maybe he's asexual? i know he's not gay, he likes girls. if he doesn't have to talk to them.

ok i'm gonna do some online shopping now. i need more clothes.