and you will find me.

two days ago somebody asked me about the thing in my life i'm most embarassed of. I couldn't tell him. I'm not embarassed of things. I like this.
I also wouldn't know about my biggest regret. I don't regret things. Of course I make mistakes, but I'm learning.
Eva Cassidy is my new favourite. Not really. And I don't love her either :P... But Time after Time is pretty amazing, I can say that. If it'd be dark and i had romantic candles and if i had a heart i'd probably cry when i'd listen to it. But that's not the case. haha
I ran two miles today. I looked gross and sweaty after it, but still. and i ate cake, too. No regrets.
Somebody's talking shit behind my back. when i heard of that, i couldn't stop laughing. i hope she had fun doing so. I really do. I don't think she did though.

what a weekend.

There's way too much that happened. But this was a good weekend. My parents were out of town, that might have contributed to it. And i had about six hours of sleep. Hopefully i can catch up right after this.
I'm a shady person and some people are too nice to me. I don't get how they can be like that. But maybe i'd do the same. I wouldn't know. Actually, I would do the same.
I love Noah. I hope he doesn't read this. But i love Noah. We can go underwear shopping or talk about things you usually don't talk about to your heterosexual friends. Well, things i usually don't talk about to my heterosexual friends.
This weekend for the first time i've actually considered staying for the summer. Not totally really, cause i can't cancel my tickets anyway, but well. Let's say i had these five minutes when i wished i could maybe stay. Just because this was fun. i like going to Perkin's at 6.30 in the morning. Or to Hornbacher's at 4.
I also was locked out of my apartment when i came home at 2.3o am. after 30 - 45 unsuccessful minutes hanna and tay picked me up and we went energy drink shopping. and broke into a house, but shh it's a secret!
i love noemi's and my pictures from the picnic. we do look like we like each other. and i think sometimes she actually does like me, but oh well.
goodnight dear fargo. (i'm gonna miss you)

i called her on the phone and she touched herself.

I’m sitting in the library waiting for Tay to ask her math teacher some questions and I finally got over the stage of feeling alone or weird sitting here on my own. But everybody does, it’s not a big deal. Ha J
I’m almost gone. Four weeks, more or less three weekends. I talked to Noemi and I am really happy about that. I wish everybody would just be honest and talk about problems immediately when they appear to prevent further trouble. Everything would be so so much easier.
I talked to a kid in my English class today for the very first time and I noticed how different people think of me. There are people who think I am quiet, reserved, or lonely. Then there are people who think I’m arrogant, bold, and mean. And then there are people who think nothing could scare me, I’m extremely self-confident, and have a lot of friends. There are more groups. And then there are my friends, too.
I noticed how much little conversations with my German friends on the internet lighten up my mood. A 10 minute chat can make my day. I’m glad.
Trollwood makes me wanna cry a little bit, but it’s okay, I’m not going to regret the decision I made. I’m absolutely positive about it. I’m absolutely positive about quite a lot of things.

Most phrases in this text start with an I. I am extremely self-centered, but teenagers usually are so maybe I’m allowed to, too.
Song of the week: “Wow, I can get sexual, too” by Say Anything :D

♥

this was a beautiful day.

WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME? like really... most of the cast is going out to eat somewhere and i'm not. cause i don't know. cause i feel like i don't belong. cause i'm somehow depressed right now and i don't understand why. i feel like i did bad tonight, but that can't be the only reason and it is not the only thing. so what is wrong with me? why can i not be happy. it's nobody's fault but mine. there's nobody to blame but me. cause people are nice. what do i expect? and i miss being loved. again. i think i just found my weakest point of all. i need to leave this place

well this was a day.

up and down and up and down and up and down we go.
tonight was a blast. i LOVED it. soooo much... and i was the killer yaaaaaa i did not end up as the only one who didn't get chosen. my parents were actually happy with my performance, too, i think i did impress them.

but this day had its bad times, too. i stayed at the choir room a little longer to try out for the ave maria solo, so i was "late" for lunch. fortunately, there was still a spot by my "friends". i tried to have a conversation with pretty much anybody at that table and i failed. the guy on my left was mad at me (i do not have any idea why) and ignored me, the girls to my right prefered having their private conversations in another language, ceveral people were totally busy doing homework, and almost facing me was the person i want to take to the least AND the most. it was more than obvious that i would not be missed if i just would have stayed at the choir room. or in my bed. or in hell.
then, a former friend joined our happy group (haha) and started to talk to everybody BUT ME. and we used to be friends. and he used to tell me that it's sooo sooo sad that i'm gonna leave. and blablabla. GUYS, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA MISS ME IF YOU'RE NOT!!!! then he was like "what's up" after another 3 minutes. you know, this kind of "what's up" that means something like "i'm polite enough to pretend that i wanna know how you are". i tried to say something but i felt a little water in my eyes that i wouldn't be able to stop (there's a lot of wrong things going on right now). and i'm too proud to cry in front of the whole senior table (which consists of people who would prefer me staying in hell). so i just got up, went to the bathroom, locked myself in there and started crying. i've never done such a thing in my life. i never had to hide myself somewhere to cry. and i'm pretty sure, if that would have been in germany, somebody would have noticed. but NO FUCKING SOUL did. nobody even noticed i left that table. or that i had stupid tears in my eyes. why does nobody care??? i don't wanna have lunch anymore. i just wanna sit in a practice room playing the piano. but there's only like 2 weeks of school left. should i really not try anymore? should i stop? i don't know. but seriously, how could my "friends" (including one of the people i liked the most here) not notice? or not try to include me? it's not that that was the first time i can't fit in with them. am i selfish? i just really try to think out of their perspective, but it doesn't make me understand.

so an hour ago this "what's up" guy texted me and asked what was wrong. thank god. it doesn't make it all good but it makes it better. we're gonna have lunch together tomorrow and i'll tell him why i was so upset. if you read this and think i'm exaggerating the whole situation you might be right. but this blog does still not tell my whole story and everything that's happening right now. being lonely is not a fun thing, and you do know that though. even more when you know how it is not to be lonely.

i love drood. did i say that? and i miss mariana. and berlin. and drinking. ha

i feel like i'm trying to be my own psychologist. i think i really do understand myself. the only thing that i don't have is a cure, a solution. i don't need anybody to define me. although it'd be interesting.
as more time passes, people like me less. i truly believe so and it's really sad. why is that ? are they bored now? am i less special because i became a "normal" (yeah i know define normal) high school kid? and why do i have to fight for friendships when my friends don't try at all. i kinda want to give up, but maybe i better try to keep this friendships alive for another 6 weeks (or is it only five now?)
my parents liked the musical! they didn't say a negative word about me and that's GREAT. :)

i'll probably cry at the last choir concert and i'm really bad at crying in front of people, but hey, whatever...
oh garden state disappointed me a little. i think zach baff should not have gotten that part, but i think he directed it, too, so maybe he's just not good at multitasking. or he only wanted to make out with natalie portman (i'd completely understand that).
school is SO depressing. i walk through the hallways and all i can think about is how much i'd love to stick my pencil right through my head. BAM. i am gross and i am sorry for being gross. it's not that i think nobody would care if i'd do that (my family would care... and some other people too i guess). i just don't understand certain people. and the world.
my stomach hurts cause i can't resist refills. five diet pepsi in an hour are definitely too much.

i wanna get smashed. and run through the streets and be happy and loud and vulgar and without any worries. good night

i am really tired.

i just got home and thought i would have forgotten my keys so i called my brother to open the door for me. he answered the phone which was really releaving but told me HE WASN'T AT HOME! it was a weird feeling. but i should be happy. and i am happy. i hope he knows that. oh and after 10 minutes of searching (cause i did not want to wake my parents up) i found the keys in my purse anyway.
sometimes i don't feel like i'm doing such a bad job on the whole musical theatre thing, but then the next day i feel like the worst actor/singer/dancer of the entire cast. i'm gonna take ballet classes when i go back to germany.
we went to 17 again with people i usually don't hang out with but it was NICE. i'm glad. although i think i talk to much sometimes, but i'm scared of disappointing people who think i am funny and "alive" and energetic all the time. i wanna show everybody that i can be amazing (although i am not)(this was not supposed to be emo, nobody's perfectly amazing). and i feel like i'm getting old. i give "kids" advise i should have received when i was their age. it's a good and a sad feeling.
i got a good mail today. i think i wrote a good mail back.
oh and i was 10 minutes late for math because i am dumb. but i don't regret it and i think i would do it over and over again. which makes me even dumber. i gotta learn to let go i guess.
why is my brother not at home? i miss him. i wanna watch my new movie with him. i wanna have us sit on my bed and count all the disadvantages of living in america.
i miss drinking.
and i miss old times.
i don't want a boyfriend right now but i want something. it doesn't have to be a guy and i doesn't have to be love. it could be something completely different. whatever it is, i'm gonna find it.