i am really tired.

i just got home and thought i would have forgotten my keys so i called my brother to open the door for me. he answered the phone which was really releaving but told me HE WASN'T AT HOME! it was a weird feeling. but i should be happy. and i am happy. i hope he knows that. oh and after 10 minutes of searching (cause i did not want to wake my parents up) i found the keys in my purse anyway.
sometimes i don't feel like i'm doing such a bad job on the whole musical theatre thing, but then the next day i feel like the worst actor/singer/dancer of the entire cast. i'm gonna take ballet classes when i go back to germany.
we went to 17 again with people i usually don't hang out with but it was NICE. i'm glad. although i think i talk to much sometimes, but i'm scared of disappointing people who think i am funny and "alive" and energetic all the time. i wanna show everybody that i can be amazing (although i am not)(this was not supposed to be emo, nobody's perfectly amazing). and i feel like i'm getting old. i give "kids" advise i should have received when i was their age. it's a good and a sad feeling.
i got a good mail today. i think i wrote a good mail back.
oh and i was 10 minutes late for math because i am dumb. but i don't regret it and i think i would do it over and over again. which makes me even dumber. i gotta learn to let go i guess.
why is my brother not at home? i miss him. i wanna watch my new movie with him. i wanna have us sit on my bed and count all the disadvantages of living in america.
i miss drinking.
and i miss old times.
i don't want a boyfriend right now but i want something. it doesn't have to be a guy and i doesn't have to be love. it could be something completely different. whatever it is, i'm gonna find it.