well this was a day.

up and down and up and down and up and down we go.
tonight was a blast. i LOVED it. soooo much... and i was the killer yaaaaaa i did not end up as the only one who didn't get chosen. my parents were actually happy with my performance, too, i think i did impress them.

but this day had its bad times, too. i stayed at the choir room a little longer to try out for the ave maria solo, so i was "late" for lunch. fortunately, there was still a spot by my "friends". i tried to have a conversation with pretty much anybody at that table and i failed. the guy on my left was mad at me (i do not have any idea why) and ignored me, the girls to my right prefered having their private conversations in another language, ceveral people were totally busy doing homework, and almost facing me was the person i want to take to the least AND the most. it was more than obvious that i would not be missed if i just would have stayed at the choir room. or in my bed. or in hell.
then, a former friend joined our happy group (haha) and started to talk to everybody BUT ME. and we used to be friends. and he used to tell me that it's sooo sooo sad that i'm gonna leave. and blablabla. GUYS, DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GONNA MISS ME IF YOU'RE NOT!!!! then he was like "what's up" after another 3 minutes. you know, this kind of "what's up" that means something like "i'm polite enough to pretend that i wanna know how you are". i tried to say something but i felt a little water in my eyes that i wouldn't be able to stop (there's a lot of wrong things going on right now). and i'm too proud to cry in front of the whole senior table (which consists of people who would prefer me staying in hell). so i just got up, went to the bathroom, locked myself in there and started crying. i've never done such a thing in my life. i never had to hide myself somewhere to cry. and i'm pretty sure, if that would have been in germany, somebody would have noticed. but NO FUCKING SOUL did. nobody even noticed i left that table. or that i had stupid tears in my eyes. why does nobody care??? i don't wanna have lunch anymore. i just wanna sit in a practice room playing the piano. but there's only like 2 weeks of school left. should i really not try anymore? should i stop? i don't know. but seriously, how could my "friends" (including one of the people i liked the most here) not notice? or not try to include me? it's not that that was the first time i can't fit in with them. am i selfish? i just really try to think out of their perspective, but it doesn't make me understand.

so an hour ago this "what's up" guy texted me and asked what was wrong. thank god. it doesn't make it all good but it makes it better. we're gonna have lunch together tomorrow and i'll tell him why i was so upset. if you read this and think i'm exaggerating the whole situation you might be right. but this blog does still not tell my whole story and everything that's happening right now. being lonely is not a fun thing, and you do know that though. even more when you know how it is not to be lonely.

i love drood. did i say that? and i miss mariana. and berlin. and drinking. ha