Sex and the City is on right now :) :)

I love Sex and the city. this movie is amazing.
When I'm in the car for a long time I kinda get depressed. But in a good way. It's more like melancholic. Because I listen to music and look outside and everything just flies by me. And then I listened to "How to say goodbye" by Paul Tiernan. It's from the amazing soundtrack of "Nick & Norah's infinite playlist". Unfortunately, I can't find it on youtube so I'm only able to post the lyrics:

Living isn't quite the same
You said to me, it's runnin' away.
If you're scared or tired of what you're scared of
Why should you stay
You love to say goodbye
And always counted all the time
'til he was free
to get up and leave
to learn how to breathe again...

Slippin' out to have a cigarette
with someone else that he'd never met
Ask her if by the way would you like to
run away and try to forget
Just not to stay
To leave without saying why
To get up and go
To catch the last train
To get in some car and drive out again
To never come back this way
Left to say:
goodbye

Paul has an amazing voice. I don't know any other songs of him but I'll google him right after I'm done with this. Don't you know the feeling when you just wanna leave, be someone completely different without your old worries or responsibilities..? I kinda had the opportunity to make a new life without really losing my old one, but actually you can't change completely. You aren't a completely different person. I started out differently, but where I "ended up" now, I see a lot of similarities to my old life. Yeah, I'm not actually popular or anything like that in America, but I'm involved with drama and choir and I'm pretty busy most of the time. Of course, there's differences, I don't go out a lot here (well, where do you wanna go in Fargo?) which results in less alcohol, too. And my friends here are different than the German ones, but I mean they grew up in a completely different world, so what did i expect? oh and i started not caring about my looks anymore, YAY. and i use words like yay :-O.. that's bad. but i'm still addicted to shopping and kid's accessories and my friends and i enjoy SEX AND THE CITY WHICH I AM WATCHING RIGHT NOW. woohoo...

goodnight i'm going to meltin pot tonight. um yay?




edit: new decision that'll make my life better:
i'll never weigh myself ever again.

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

So I changed my blogger layout about 100 times and I still it's not possible to make comments -.-* GREAT. And if I change it again (cause obviously it doesn't matter it doesn't work anyways) my uploaded pictures will all disappear. So I might just leave it like this.

My mom and I went to the art museum today. It's hard to be here with her , I'm really looking forward the moment my dad and my brother are gonna be in Minneapolis, too. I wish I could be in Orlando right now, too. She (my mom) is kinda mean. Or maybe I am mean. Or we both are. I don't know. But she just called me stubborn and the opposite of nice and other kind stuff like that. And I told her that Noemi's mom is like her best friend and her first reaction was "I could never imagine us being best friends". Um okay mom, I appreciate your honesty...

I wanted to meet Sarah in the mall tomorrow, it's sad she'll leave so I have to go shopping with my mom, but maybe we can separate or something. Or I just stay quiet, just to have peace between us. I wish my parents would know me. But then I'm glad they don't.

I bought two books today, I doubt that one of them will be especially good, but I need something for the car ride to Chicago. If we are actually going, nobody really knows yet.

I'm already boring myself, it's kinda sad. I'll post some pictures from my Germany trip cause they make me happy =] :

Jojo and I:

Alice:
Breakfastcrew (Angy, Alice, I, Mariana):

I highly doubt that we (Angy, I, Alice) were sober: I know we weren't :D : I love her.. :

Weird I don't have one picture of my guyfriends. Or they are all on my phone. :(

I think i'm gonna concentrate on "My big fat greek wedding" now. Or not.. Maybe. Goodbye

25 things

I'm really bored cause my Mom wants me home tonight. She's scared I get stuck at my friend's house and she's kinda right so here I am. I read through facebook and some notes and then I say the 25 things notes a couple of people wrote. I liked them a lot. I decided to write my new 25 things note with my random thoughts right now.

1. Sandbagging would be a good workout if my friends wouldn't be called Taylor and Hanna. They are the most disctracting people ever.

2. Send this fucking text now!

3. I wanna go out of town. I'd like to go to Chicago but it doesn't make sense to leave on tuesday so we might not leave. It'll be a boring week.

4. I can't find my Drood songbook and i really wanted to look at the songs. I think i forgot it in school so I have to meet Ethan soon to give his to me.

5. I'm sad I might not see Noemi for a while, I think the road to her house is closed. I hope her house won't be flooded.

6. I hope not a lot of houses will be flooded and everybody is safe.

7. I need lotion for my hands, they are dry from sandbagging. I have lotion in my room that smells like the ocean... :)

8. Nobody is reading this, so I think I might become too honest soon.

9. I would not want to sleep at one of these shelters they use for the evacuated people. I need privacy really bad.

10. Please please please say yes.

11. So I'm becoming fatter and fatter every single minute of the day. I wanna cry when I look at old pictures. There's been a time when i was skinny. Actually I wanna puke when I see these...

12. I used to weigh 92 pounds with the same height of 5'5. Now i'm about 133 pounds. And i was about 115 pounds in August. Call me Mrs Piggy.

13. I can make it back.

14. I'm really really jealous of you.

15. I was an unhappy child but I didn't realize that cause i thought it would be normal to hate life as a 7-years old.

16. We once did this activity that told a lot about you. We had to draw a picture of a house in a garden with other stuff around it. This psychologist lady said I had a sad childhood but there were a few little moments that were good and my family "stands" far from me.

17. I might be a little destructive right now.

18. Can you please stay out of this ? Why can't we have any other things to talk about, I'm scared that our base for this friendship is not really robust.

19. I wish wish wish I could speak English. There's so much I wanna tell and can't.

20. Fuck fuck fuck

21. I'm doing it again and I shouldn't. I wanna do it again but I might get "busted". What is this all about?

22. I'm arrogant as hell.

23. I wanna be vegan soon.

24. Please earth, don't kill us. That's already my job.

25. I wanna forget about you so bad. So bad... I would never confess how much I'm still thinking about you.


GREAT this made me sad. I never want my children to be like me.

sick sick sick yuck

i hate being sick so much. back in germany, i hated it, too, but at least i enjoyed having the whole house for myself in the morning and having friends or my ex over in the afternoon. i used to love watching tv alone but here i do it all the time anyways and everything repeats itself. i also grew out of these bad reality dating shows mtv seems to love. i watched the breakfast club today and i liked it. i tried to chose one of the characters to relate to but i can't really, i'm more like a mixture of all of them. or maybe a mixture of the bad kid and the weirdo but i bet people think i'm more of a princess.
the whole germany thing kinda screws me up, but i try to stay positive, there's only 11 weeks left and i'll make the best of them. i'm not scared to go back anymore, everything is gonna be alright. i'll have a job, get my licence, live alone and have my friends move in. yeah :) and i'll force them to bring food since i'll be too lazy to cook. or since i'm bad at cooking since i haven't done it for the last 7 months.
sex and the city is on right now, i've seen this one about five times and i still love it. new york is an interesting city, but i wouldn't wanna go there right now. no place to live at. no place to feel welcome at.
i wanna write more about my germany experience but i think i have to see my american friends first to figure out some little things. more or less little.

dreams are my reality

yap, there's a lot of disappointment going on right now. shit happens i guess... don't call anybody bff if you don't mean it you can't take it back that easily. i'm sick and tired. but yeah, there are people who are there for me. and hey, it's ok if that's only two, as long as they are there for you. and they are :)

thank you.

so let's see how well my english still works..

ha finally the time has come to take a break and think. although somebody's on my phone right now, guess who ;) i bet 90 % know anyways. how much is 90 % out of maybe 3 readers again :P ?
it's just "beautiful" here. it's like i woke up out of a more or less bad dream and jumped right back into my usual life. i walked to my old school today and suddenly i felt like laughing really loud and crazy and i did it and it felt really good. it felt amazing. i love to see germany, the old houses, the PEOPLE. my art teacher :P .. ya
when i arrived it was kinda rough though but what starts out badly ends pretty well obviously. i realized i'll miss fargo, too though. it's weird for me to be aloud to do "bad" stuff in front of my teachers. but it's nice. i feel free again. and this is my home. it definitely is.
this should be enough for now though. i better use the time for enjoying being here.

PS: and in the beginning i couldn't speak german for more than 5 minutes without making a mistake :D

waiting in frankfurt

so now i am sitting in this business lounge in frankfurt, germany and have to wait for my flight to nürnberg and it's boring and i just decided not to sleep tonight. that's why i filled myself up with about 5 cups of good black german coffee and some shitty cereal. the flight was alright i guess, i didn't sleep at all and watched twilight (hate the movie AND the book by the way) in english, german, and french. i understood it in all the languages (or maybe i just know the movie by heart now) but i prefer english. it seems so weird to watch an american show or movie in german now and i don't like it at all, now that i notice the big difference. it's about 6.45 am in germany so none of my friends are online or even know that i'm already in the country. and i'm not even that exited yet, i guess i have to see my friends to believe that this is "coming true". i'm sorry i'm boring you, dear reader, but i need to do SOMETHING and eating is not an opportunity since i already gaines fucking 20 pounds in the U.S. and i wanna save my hunger for good healthy and delicious whole weat bread. i don't even know if i'm aloud to be on this computer by the way i didn't feel like asking i'll just say it was my brother's idea to use this. but i'm gonna go now, i'm kinda scared of the idea that the police will hunt me because i was online too long and i can't go home then :(


PS: i like this whole blogger thing

let's get emotional

so since i won't be able to sleep anyways..
let's do something more or less constructive. i'm listening to this the kooks song right now and it doesn't fit my mood at all. let's see what shuffle might bring: some sentimental say anything tune. that's nice.
today was a really emotional day. i cried because i was angry. it's not fun to be around me when i am angry.
i have a headache and i'm kinda shaking, not on the outside, more on the inside. it's creepy. so this is my last night here for now. i love my german bed it's so com/nfy and BIG. i will have my beloved piano back and nothing will seperate me from it :P and my friends of course. oh shit, i will cry a lot. like a lot a lot. i think i'm wonderin too much about what's gonna happen. cause i can't change it now anyways and yeah. i should enjoy my time.
this makes me sad, too. the whole leaving part. this is like the light version of upcoming june when i'm leaving for good. i finally built my roots here, i have friends i actually really like and i'm scared that they (the roots) will break a little bit when i'm back in germany. i think it's impossible to live two lives at the same time, but this is exactly like that. isn't it ?
no longer by the kooks is a beautiful song. it doesn't help to get rid of my headache though.

drood drood drood

okay.. i am like superexcited to be in drood. to get the chance to learn sooo sooo much about musical theatre that i (hopefully) can use in Germany and my later life. i'm happy to be able to meet new people. stuff like this brings everybody so near to each other, it's bounding.

the snow outside doesn't even depress me that much (but the reason for that might be that i'll be in "warm" germany in less than two days!!!). but i wish i had a car.. i feel bad for asking the same hated question all the time: "Can anybody give me a ride?". and i usually know that there's like 3 people who COULD give you a ride. but they are too lazy, mean, busy, stupid, .. or whatever to say "yeah sure". so then you have to find a victim you can ask "(insert name), do you think you could maybe give me a ride?". the person usually says yes (after a certain time you learn who to ask) and you reached your goal. but you (or i..) still feel bad.

i love singing so much. i can't recall a moment in my life when i regret that i spent so much time with music. it is the biggest part of me and i would not be who i am right now without the experience i made because of music and especially singing. i am really grateful to be talented enough to do what i am doing. i am not genius or awesome, but i'd like to work as hard as i can to be as awesome as i can. and if it's still not awesome enough to be a singer later, well, at least i tried my best.

i like to be honest and to surprise people. i might hurt people who don't really know me but most of the time it's better to say what it think. i mean, it's not as if i'm full of mean thoughts i want to show everybody.

there's this really pretty song i discovered yesterday: "The Mouse and the Model" by the Dresden Dolls (what does dresden dolls stand for by the way?). i don't know how to add a youtube video in this but listen to this song in case you read this.. it's amazing. i don't know what it is about i looked at the lyrics yesterday and i couldn't make sense of them. which doesn't mean that they are not good. :) no please dear person (you might be the only one) who is reading this: LISTEN TO THAT SONG. and look for more dresden dolls. okay ? oh and could you give me a ride home maybe ?

saturday saturday..

excitement excitement. it's almost saturday and i'll switch back in my old life for a week. scary thought. i think i will miss fargo when i leave forever in june. a few kids, the musical and theatrical education, and not having my old reputation. here, i'm just some random kid like everybody else wether in germany.. i guess there i'm the happy child without worries, a little stuck up, but helpful and nice. a little crazy too i guess. do i even have an american reputation ?

did i change a lot? i don't know. i might have learned how to accept people better. i'm not sure about this though.
and i gained sooo much weight, i'm like a fat pig with reddish brown hair and blonde roots. NICE.
i'm worrying a lot about how i'm destroying relationships people built up because i left. and i'm superjealous of my senior friends who can leave their hometowns and go to college. life begins for you guys and i still have to wait another 2 - 3 years.
i'd love to have coffee right now. without milk and sugar of course. people around me are acting weird, because of me ?

i'm really bad with this blogging stuff but nobody is reading it anyways so i guess it doesn't really matter. i've had a really good week: musical try outs and i got callbacks and now i actually got a pretty important part and i'm really really surprised. we had our first rehearsal yesterday and it scared the shit out of me. I'm sooo scared that i won't meet the expectations. I'm not that great, it will be superhard to imitate an accent from Egypt and i suck at acting. and we'll have rehearsal everyday so there's no time for breaks. Plus I'll be gone next week so i'll miss a lot. i already canceled the trip to Orlando i wanted to go on because i felt bad about missing so much stuff. Meanwhile, I found a pretty prom dress and i really really like it. and i have a date too yay :)

i'll fly to Germany on saturday and i'm scared of that, too. I hope it won't be weird to meet everybody and i hope my high expectations are not too high. they might be.. i never realized how much i loved my german life but now i do.

today's a snowday and i hate it. because we'll have to make this day up and because i hate not being able to go outside. i can't even go tanning cause suntana is closed. at least i think so, i just called them and nobody answered. this apartment is too small for my family, it kills me...

i'm watching a really bad children movie on netflix right now, i think it's even german but not good at all. it's about fours animal that love music and want to have a band or something like that. it's called the "fearless four". i used to listen to this story before i fell asleep, i guess that's why i picked it.

there's this creepy kid from my school who used to call me three times a day and was hitting on me. i talked to friends about him and they all agreed that his a major weirdo so i tried to ignore him during our open period yesterday. he told one of my friends i just used him because i wanted him as a prom date but now i have somebody else. i don't care enough to say sorry to him, he'll get over it. actually there isn't even anything to get over with. and i wouldn't have gone to prom with him anyways, he scares me too much. i should write more often, it feels good.

i haven't been to the last girls' choir rehearsal and i won't be there the next two times. i feel bad for the director but i couldn't make it last time and my trip to germany is more important right now. and i will miss the north high choir concert which kind of upsets me cause i would have made it without the stupid blizzard.. -.-*

yes i really should write more often. i will for sure.. who cares it's been read or not right :)