silence

prom was surprisingly a lot better than i expected it to be :) eating was alright, dancing was fun, and the postprom thing kinda lame. but over all it was NICE. thanks to my date i guess :P. thank god, now i can eat again. ha just kiddin'
when i came home yesterday night i felt weird though. i felt sad. i shouldn't have. i wish some people wouldn't have been at prom. buh i hate life.
actually that picture of jacob and me really looks like we just got married.

tomorrow we'll have school again which makes me wanna kill myself. oh and i won this iPod shuffle yesterday. how come i win stuff so often? there's a saying in german, luck in love, unluck in the game. can you turn that around so it says luck in the game, unluck in love ? i should go and talk to some weird people who believe in magic one day. that would make me freak out though so maybe NOT.

seven weeks seven weeks seven weeks. i need alcohol.

symphonie

music makes me feel more than anything else. i'm upset i did such a bad job on my solo today, but it's over now so i can't change it anyways.
i kinda like long busrides but it depends with who. sometimes you get really good conversations out of them. and it feels like you don't have any responsibilities, like the world would stand still and you can't move faster anyways so you don't even have to try.
tomorrow's prom i'm gonna look like a blown up balloon. a pink one.
i really don't know what to say anymore. i'm sorry i guess...
earth song is beautiful, i wish i could sing it.
oh i decided to become an opera singer. i'm gonna try, yes i will. mrs. zietz told me i should, i guess that's why. i wanna be good at what i am doing.



i am sorry.

i need your car and i need your lohove.

i hate being with people who love each other more than they love you. no i actually don't hate but it makes me feel bad. it's a weird feeling when they all talk about something or somebody and you can just watch and try to think of something different to entertain yourself. this all sounds like i wouldn't even like these people, but i DO like them a lot, it just isn't that much fun to hang out with all of them at the same time.
i wish i would understand myself a little bit more. i honestly would like to have a psychologist, somebody to trust and talk to who could tell me wether i'm crazy or not. actually, i don't think i am crazy, i just think more than some other people do.
i'm such a little fake. i'm extremely good at smiling and being friendly and telling people i'm great. it's amazing. is it amazing ? i don't know, maybe it'd be better not to fake smile and yell at their stupid faces. what's going on with some of them? have they ever thought about something else but them? but on the other hand, i have anger problems, i really do. it's embarassing how small my self-control can be sometimes. i had a little conversation with some guy about a week ago, about wether you can or can't waste water and he did not believe me that you CAN waste water, just because he can get as much as he wants. well, DEAR ZACH, lots of people CAN'T. BUMM.
i should be doing my biology homework. or french. or westernciv. i bet there'd be some english to do, too. i don't feel like doing anything.
oh, my computer broke, too, which is kinda bad, cause i have to borrow my brother's everytime now or go online on my iPod. no, actually that's not the point. i bought two new CDs today, and i can't put them on my iPod which makes me just a little mad. that's the worst part. prom's in a week, i better stop eating. ha, i won't anyways, susie's SELF-CONTROL does not exist.
i think my decision was right. or my thoughts. i think i was right and you do realize that now in case you still read this. if you wouldn't have, you would have sent me a mail by now. it's sad. i'm gonna try to stay away from you. it's better for both of us, i know it.
melba joyce was great yesterday night. :]

motherless child

Sometimes I want my life to end really bad. I'm never gonna be able to change. argh -.-*

be quiet world.

so much is going on right now and everything's moving a little too fast for me. but maybe i can practice running so i'll be faster.
i wish i was never fake. i wish i was never moody. i wish i would lose some weight. and getting a face lift or SOMETHING that helped. i wish i was more talented but life can't be easy all the time.
i'm a sad person, i think i got that from my mom, genes and stuff you know. i have little sadness breaks, but then two days later it's the same again. i like being sad though, it feels like "home". yes it really does. and then you can write your little emo poems and be happy in your own little sadness.

babadaba.

i'm tired and sore but that's okay i kinda like it. i look like a sweaty freak but that's okay, too. california was unbelievable beautiful but i can't spend that much time with my family! i needed being alone sooo sooo bad. I made a pro & contra list in my head about "something" i should have never made a pro & contra list about. i haven't regreted it yet but i might later. actually i think i will later. i'm an asshole and i need somebody to talk to really bad. i'll hang out with noemi this weekend (hopefully!) so we can catch up on stuff. this whole weekend i would have loved to blog but i didn't have free internet access so all my great thoughts are lost and i'm the only one who knows them. i like sad songs :) i never know what i want and i hurt people (well actually i don't know if i hurt people) with what i say because i can't refuse to say whatever i feel. aaaawh -.-*



i deleted my german facebook (schuelervz) and i don't know if i'm happy about it but it stole a lot of my time and i don't want to be able to creep on my friend(s) anymore. it doesn't help anyways and this whole facebook stuff is overrated.

isn't nature beautiful ?

and another weekend somewhere far from fargo

i haven't spent a weekend in fargo for about four weeks and that actually makes me feel kinda bad. i feel like i don't live here anymore at all (and i've never really had this whole "homefeeling" about this city). I did enjoy being at home all alone and watching Lizzie McGuire (or something like that, I most likely just spelled her name wrong). I'm using a lot of brackets today! Anyways, it was nice to cook healthy broccoli for myself without anybody complaining about the lack of meat. My nose feels swollen, but the major feeling is numbness (that's not really a feeling, is it?). I'm glad I went to the musical rehearsal tonight (although I don'think I was allowed to since I left school after 3rd period), otherwise my day would have been too boring. I'm less happy about getting up at 4.45 tomorrow though... I hope San Diego offers good jeans :P
I can't believe I'm gonna leave Fargo soon, I won't see most of the people I see daily here ever again. That can be a good AND a bad thing...
I read "The Perks of Being a Wallflower" today, it's a good book, but I've heard people say they exactly think like him (the main character of the book) and i do NOT AT ALL. he has an interesting personality, but I can't identify with him most of the time. and it really does surprise me, that people who don't drink or would ever take drugs identify with him that much. actually, i don't think the story could take place in fargo. i wish i could spend time in another american city, to see if most teenager life's are as innocent as they are here. yes, of course, not everybody is "innocent", but people try so hard to hide themselves here, it's ridiculous. Why can't they/we not all be ourselves, i mean it's normal to mess up during your teenager years.
I better pack for San Diego. And stop watching Austin Powers which will steal some more of my brain cells.

i am getting sick

i feel soooo soooo bad. but rehearsal was good today. and my stupid brother ate my soup, so when i went home after school i didn't have anything to eat and i am a hungry person!!! so i had to eat gross clam chowder, and i noticed that i do NOT like clam chowder. who cares about this though ?

i'm going to san diego this friday, and I haven't really realized that yet. i hopefully will on friday... there are sooooo soooo many people that annoy me, and I feel bad cause maybe it's not even their fault, i just have a "weird" taste in people. the weird thing is that i get along with all kinds of people (i guess i'm good at pretending or flexible).
I plan on going tanning after Lost, if i make it out of my bed. I'm sooo sick ugh -.-*... Honestly I'm sick of being sick. Usually, I enjoy it a little bit to just lay around and sleep or read or watch TV, but I have so much to do this month!

I need money. and love [:

go danger go!

i'm kinda in love with danger from "love of ray j". yes, i should stop watching that crap but i CAN'T.
i do not think someobody is as good at his job as he should be. or as prepared. or whatever... that makes me mad. my back hurts really bad and this day wasn't great at all. but not every day can be great i guess. i wish i could stop eating so much and be skinny and pretty. i feel so shallow the last couple of days... or weeks (?)
oh you can comment my blog again :) i don't know how i did it BUT i did it! wooohoooo. [i never wanna go grow up please!]

how could you?

my mom ruined my two favourite jeans! i wanna die now. i'm actually sad, because i gotta have to buy new ones and i HATE shopping for jeans, cause it makes you feel fat and gross and it's NOT fun. It's even worse than buying a swim suit. (actually, when i think about it, it's not that bad that she ruined them, she didn't do it on purpose but i just liked them.. :/ )
Usually, it's superhard to make me cry, but my parents are extremely good at it. not really today, but it could have had happened. because of stupid little stuff when i feel like i'm not treated right ( i bet it's just some stupid growing up thing and it's not their fault AGAIN).
i so do not wanna go to school tomorrow. i wish i would finde some reason not to have to go. nobody can imagine (well maybe my brother..) how happy i was when i left that place the friday before i went to germany. there's no comparison. NONE. and not only because of germany, but even more because i couldn't stay there any longer. i don't know how you american people do it, but obviously i am too weak or something. 10 weeks left 10 weeks left.

i don't like what i just wrote. i'm gonna go to watch some Rock of Love. Thank you vh1... =)

chicago's not that great.

i miss germany a lot. i wish i had a mail from a certain person, but i'm not mad or something cause i'm even too lazy right now to write one so i shouldn't be complaining. chicago is not that great, it really isn't. the shops are too expensive, the people don't seem to be nice, and i don't get the right athmosphere to be here. maybe i'd have to stay longer to enjoy it, but i miss my friends and school will start again, so i gotta go back. i miss having my own room, i mean, i like my brother, but this has been to long, i do not enjoy family vacation at all. the problem is, that back in fargo, although i have my own room, i still feel caught in the apartment with my family. i can't wait for germany to have the house for myself and be independent and not have rules anymore. my mom paid for my new purple straightener and i'm thankful since she doesn't even like my hair straightened and tried to be nice :)... thanks mom!
10 weeks. 10 weeks. 10 weeks. that's such a short time. oh, i will miss my fargo people. sometimes i don't get why people even like me. i wish i could see myself from up above to really judge what i am like. my mom says i am arrogant ALL THE TIME, my dad says the same (minus the all the time in capital letters), my brother says i'm a "free soul" and a weirdo, my friends say i am sometimes emo and energatic. but what am i? well, at least i know that i am egocentric. that's for sure ;) and madly in love with music.
i enjoy listening to my brother sleeping. it sounds peaceful.

...

and i do not like my family.

chocolate.

I'm hungry. really hungry...